After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people in the elevator.

I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while leaving a botanical garden I spoke to a man who was excitedly looking for a few specific plants. He is a botanist (amateur? professional? unclear) and I enjoyed sharing in his passion for a moment. Then I saw a maintenance guy moving with great intention who took a moment to ask me and my family if we had a nice time. We did, and I asked him about the papers in his hand. “Gotta get approval for this purchase request asap.” He said. We talked a bit about how nice it is to work at such a beautiful place.

I highly recommend talking to strangers! People are lovely. Go out and try it.

• zerkten

  today at 10:39 PM

  I found mixed results given underlying anxiety that hadn't been diagnosed at the point I was trying this. Talking to new people at work, while out pursuing hobbies, and around town, all accrued to more and better conversations.

  It was a much bigger struggle with conversations where I was putting extra pressure on myself. Being able to have those other conversations was helpful though. Eventually, I found a therapist and am in a better place with this.

• phatskat

  today at 9:59 PM

  When I was staying with my older brothers, one of their magazines was along the lines of maybe a GQ but in the 90’s, iirc I was probably in middle school, and probably reading content a bit above my age level in terms of concept.

  One of their articles though was about “talking to women” but it also emphasized just talking to _anyone_. It had suggestions like “if you’re out at the bar, just ask to sit with a random group, introduce yourself, and have a conversation.”

  Many years later in college, I did indeed try this at a bar and was pleasantly surprised. I didn’t make any long term friends, or find a new partner, but I did really start honing the skill of being social with anyone. It’s hard, and especially for me and my social anxiety, it has also really helped me feel more comfortable in places unfamiliar and people unknown.

• r17n

  today at 9:10 PM

  I love this. I know I struggle with "I don't want to bother this person".

  How do you deal with that?

  • grayhatter

    today at 10:53 PM

    > "I don't want to bother this person".

    > How do you deal with that?

    You teach yourself to say no, to the things you don't want to do.

    I considered leaving just that pithy reply, because that's really it. But some of the extra context; It's not a bother to ask someone to hold the door they're already going through because your hands are full. Starting a conversation is about as intrusive as that. The vast majority of people don't mind making some small talk, and ontop of that, the majority can make an excuse if they don't have time. You only assume they can't politely decline, because you can't. Once you learn to say no thanks, politely, but explicitly and directly. You'll actually understand and expect others to return the favor.

    That's a much more fair way to interact with people too.

  • karpovv-boris

    today at 9:25 PM

    For me that clicked we are all just kids. Your parents are struggling with some problems in everyday life as you are. Your teachers sometimes might say they don't know the answer to your question in their field which is alright. (Parents and teachers are two figures who we look up to.) My point is that if you're thinking, "they have much more experience and I don't, so no need to bother them.." you're wrong. Basically, they could have more things, but about same lot of problems in the life as you. After that, just start asking simple questions.

  • gyomu

    today at 9:13 PM

    As the article says, you just take the risk. Maybe you will bother the person. It’s okay, you’ll be able to quickly tell if you do, and you just gracefully back away and go on with your day. It’ll probably happen much less than you think.

    • wanderingstan

      today at 9:30 PM

      I concur. And would just add two points: (1) Make it that you’re not asking for anything / don’t open with something that could be perceived as a setup to asking for money, or pushing a religion. :) 2) be sensitive to social cues or that they want to be left alone, like terse answers or shifting their attention away from you

  • mindwok

    today at 9:12 PM

    Would you be bothered if a stranger struck up a nice conversation with you? Most people like it! And even if they don’t, that’s ok, trust people to tell you their boundaries and respect them when they do. Nothing wrong with bothering someone if they tell you or send a strong signal and you respect it.

    • dmd

      today at 9:49 PM

      See my answer to that question is “er, yes, obviously??!” and so I assume, apparently incorrectly, that everyone is like me.

      • grayhatter

        today at 10:56 PM

        I have a hard time imagining this. What kind of scenario are you imagining?

      • jibal

        today at 10:40 PM

        If it's obvious to you that everyone should be bothered by people being friendly then there's an error in your reasoning process.

        • dmd

          today at 10:55 PM

          I'm guessing you're either from the midwest US, or not from the US. Am I right?

    • today at 10:29 PM

    • frumplestlatz

      today at 10:28 PM

      Yes, 100%. I don’t want to have a surface-level conversation with a stranger.

      I’m also never going to be rude about it — unless you are first. Just pick up on the obvious hints that I’m not super into talking.

  • technothrasher

    today at 10:27 PM

    I usually just start with a small harmless joke about the current situation we're both in. People either don't respond to it, and I leave them alone, or they engage and a conversation commences.

  • Agingcoder

    today at 9:39 PM

    You virtually never bother them - worst case they’ll turn you down.

    On the contrary, they’re usually very happy to tell you about what they do.

  • gabaix

    today at 9:12 PM

    Learn the social cues. People won’t say when they are busy. They might not ask you questions back, or keep doing what they do.

  • today at 9:19 PM

  • coffeefirst

    today at 9:45 PM

    I got a puppy. Then everyone wanted to talk to my puppy.

  • baxtr

    today at 9:36 PM

    Do you get bothered when someone talks to you in a nice fashion?

    • leonflexo

      today at 9:42 PM

      If the answer is, "of course not". Pull that thread. Honestly, so much "therapy" for some of us boils down to confronting/examining that disconnect and exploring why it exists/how it came to be.

      • baxtr

        today at 9:47 PM

        Thanks for completing my comment :)

        • today at 10:23 PM

    • deanmoriarty

      today at 10:19 PM

      I genuinely get bothered when someone talks to me. I am typically rushing through my day to do stuff, whether it is hiking, grocery shopping, working out, or going to the restroom at work, and getting interrupted feels to me like getting an unwanted push notification on your phone.

      When someone occasionally engages, I extremely quickly dismiss them in the most polite, but firm, way possible. I also intentionally keep a demeanor that generally signals I’m not open to random conversations (I avoid eye contact etc.), but that often doesn’t work. At the gym it is particularly problematic, I’m focusing on gathering strength for my next set and sometimes people bother you even if I am wearing headphones.

      I truly do not have a problem with who I am, I’m comfortable in my shoes.

      As such, never in a million years I would approach a stranger to strike up a conversation, it would seem an incredibly rude thing to do towards them, on top of clearly not having any desire to engage from my side.

      I’ll talk for hours straight to my wife, close family and the very few friends I have though!

      • cdrini

        today at 10:24 PM

        > I extremely quickly dismiss them in the most polite, but firm, way possible.

        And I think that's the answer; people who don't want to talk will simply tell you! And everyone carries on.

        • today at 10:28 PM

        • jibal

          today at 10:45 PM

          But they said it's rude just to speak to them ... which is a factually erroneous characterization.

      • setsewerd

        today at 10:35 PM

        Fascinating how much this varies by culture too. People generally have attitudes similar to you in Nordic countries, or even Seattle, but then you go to South American countries, or India, and it feels like everyone talks to everyone all the time.

      • jibal

        today at 10:43 PM

        > it would seem an incredibly rude thing to do

        It's one thing to not want it and to be comfortable not wanting it, but viewing it as rude goes way beyond that and is not rational.

    • rootusrootus

      today at 9:38 PM

      Not the guy you asked, but my answer is: only if they are panhandling. Otherwise I usually feel a little surprised that someone would have any interest in my thoughts. So I feel a bit tickled if they have genuine interest.

    • today at 10:26 PM

    • singpolyma3

      today at 9:56 PM

      Yes

      • baxtr

        today at 10:07 PM

        Interesting. How come?

        • singpolyma3

          today at 10:24 PM

          Because I'm busy inside of my own head and they interrupted my flow.

  • beached_whale

    today at 9:16 PM

    I think that it comes down to that people often like to talk about their interests but worry that the recipient may not be. So we end up with two people who want to talk but worried about the others feelings.

    • paulpauper

      today at 10:18 PM

      Then just disengage the conversation when this happens

    • hluska

      today at 9:40 PM

      These are called questions. They’re great. Hell, if you want to be regarded as a great conversationalist and great storyteller, all you have to do is ask questions.

  • today at 9:40 PM

  • jibal

    today at 10:37 PM

    You're not afraid of bothering them, you're afraid of rejection. But so what if they do? The fear isn't rational, so choose to overcome it.

  • doubled112

    today at 9:12 PM

    If they seem uninterested in talking, tell them to have a nice day, then carry on with yours.

  • thegreatpeter

    today at 9:28 PM

    Just practice. You will inevitably run into ppl that don’t want to talk. Don’t take it personally, don’t push it and try again

  • hluska

    today at 9:38 PM

    My grandpa had a gift for people - the man could start a conversation with anyone, form fast friends and remember their spouse’s middle name in twenty years.

    As he put it, it’s a coin toss. Maybe you’re bothering them or maybe they’re grateful to have someone to distract them. Each is equally true before you start the conversation.

    The key is being able to read social cues. If you can, you can stop bothering them.

• bogzz

  today at 9:49 PM

  "EXCUSE ME, SIR! I see you are moving with great intention. Might your hurriedness be in connection with those papers you hold in your hand? Pray tell, for I much desire to converse! Aah, I see, I was right to assume you were in a hurry. Anyway, it must be wonderful to be working at a place as beautiful as this, is it not? Hah ha ha yees, isn't it wonderful. Well, alright then be on your way if you must."

  Sorry but I couldn't help imagining you as the fake health inspector from Fawlty Towers while reading your comment.

  I do agree with you though, talking is great, we are social animals even though modern life allows us to forget this, to our own detriment.

• vedaba

  today at 10:16 PM

  Until you run into an A-hole whose response ruins the rest of your day when you were just trying to be sociable. I could even see getting physically assaulted for trying to talk to the wrong stranger. I like where your heart is at, unfortunately many people out there are not deserving of it.

  • DiskoHexyl

    today at 10:27 PM

    The idea of practicing these random interactions is also to get accustomed to rejections from the assholes. After all, they aren’t the majority- most people are actually quite nice and often appreciate a company (or will politely tell you they don’t need one)

• bluebarbet

  today at 9:47 PM

  This will never be me (I find any kind of smalltalk excruciating). But I'm so grateful, not to say relieved, that there are people like you. Society needs you.

• kgwxd

  today at 10:24 PM

  It's great as long as they don't turn out to be a creep. And that's terrible advice for practicing talking to women. Talking to a person you're attracted to, or want anything from in general, isn't going to present the same way. No matter how much you practice. Attractive women have to deal with that, all day, every day. They'll shut it down quickly if they're not interested. You'll be the creep if you don't quietly take the hint, and walk away, when they're not.

• treetalker

  today at 9:05 PM

  This is great. Thanks, and cheers.

• paulpauper

  today at 10:05 PM

  I highly recommend talking to strangers! People are lovely. Go out and try it.

  I did this a few times and it surprisingly worked. I was able to make small talk about an article I was reading. Did it matter that I didn't come off with the confidence of Tony Robbins? No.

My recently deceased mother had a talent for talking to anyone at any time in any language. She's always been incredibly social and could establish connections with strangers very rapidly. One time she brought in a school teacher/sheep farmer from Dagestan selling yarn from his sheep's wool, she met him at the market and bought all yarn and asked if he had somewhere to stay before going back, and he didn't. He stayed in our house for a couple of nights, and then we visited him in that little village in mountains of Dagestan on a summer vacation, talk about going back a few centuries in time, an incredible and unusual experience.

I've had to spend week and a half battling Gmail daily email account limits sending batches of 500 emails just to notify people in her address book, receiving hundreds of responses. Her memorial was attended by hundreds of people.

It served her very well in her chosen career of real estate sales, although I think she'd might have done really well in community organizing or even politics where those skills are also very useful.

On the flip side, it was sometimes difficult to be there as family wanting some attention, since her bright light was always shining in many directions.

I've inherited just some of that talent, and I think it is a talent, but trainable.

I miss her already.

• B-Con

  today at 10:20 PM

  > I've had to spend week and a half battling Gmail daily email account limits sending batches of 500 emails just to notify people in her address book, receiving hundreds of responses. Her memorial was attended by hundreds of people.

  I love this story, because I had the same experience. When my dad passed, I had the same 500 email limitation, and had to send out multiple waves of emails through Gmail. He was loved by so many people!

• SequoiaHope

  today at 9:07 PM

  Beautiful story, thank you for sharing.

I speak to everyone when in "work mode". Its part of the job. I smalltalk, im curious, i listen. When off work I dont really want to talk to people at all (outside "my" people, i.e. my family and small group of friends). If someone strikes up a conversation I will of course engage, but I reach a threshold where I run out of gas and have to excuse myself.

I talk to everyone. My friends and family joke that it’s impossible for me to go anywhere without getting into conversation with someone. I can’t imagine not doing it. Earlier this year I walked down the main shopping street it the part of the large city where I live, with a colleague from out of town.

A few shopkeepers waved through their windows as I went past, the greengrocer came out of his shop to have a quick chat, the dry cleaner asked after my dog, and the guy from the household shop told me they have more of the cleaning paste I use. We bumped into a couple of folk I see every couple of weeks, then got a coffee and I paid the “special” rate rather than the rate on the sign that they charge people they don’t know.

My colleague said - half jokingly - “I didn’t realise you were mayor”, and tried to convince me that I should go into local politics. She couldn’t understand when I said that would take all the pleasure out of it, because talking to people would become transactional rather than joyous.

I can’t imagine not talking to people. A while back I changed the route I take when I walk my dogs each day, and the guy who runs the local fish stall started asking people if I had left the area or died. I don’t buy fish from him each week- but every time I see him stop and we have a chat.

I feel incredibly lucky to be missed by my fishmonger just because I started walking my dogs a different route.

I grew up in a tiny village in the country. The building I live in has hundreds of people living in it, compared to the few dozen houses where I grew up. I think talking to people makes a huge city feel smaller.

• rootusrootus

  today at 9:42 PM

  > talking to people would become transactional rather than joyous

  Only if you let it! I am guessing you would do well, because people can absolutely tell when you are being a smarmy politician and when you're actually a legitimately friendly, decent person.

  • saaaaaam

    today at 10:18 PM

    I’ve got a terrible poker face. People would instantly rumble me. So as soon as I had to talk to someone with politician face it would all go wrong.

• parineum

  today at 9:33 PM

  > She couldn’t understand when I said that would take all the pleasure out of it, because talking to people would become transactional rather than joyous.

  It doesn't have to and I suspect that's why your colleague suggested it. Politicians act that way because that's what people want except they don't want someone who is acting.

  You have what politicians pretend to have because it makes people like them.

  You might be a terrible politician for other reasons but I don't think what you've said is true.

  • hluska

    today at 9:45 PM

    Hey bud, with all due respect, you’re arguing against who someone believes they are.

    • saaaaaam

      today at 10:16 PM

      Hold on… what do I believe I am?!

I usually avoid strangers, because those who talk to you are usually weirdos.

Thing is, if normal people don't talk to strangers anymore, then only the weirdos are left, reinforcing the idea that only weirdos talk to strangers...

• mattlondon

  today at 9:45 PM

  +1 In any major city it's probably 90% chance they're either a crook trying to scam you out of something or mentally not quite right. The remaining 10% will be tourists or people from outside of the major city.

  • majormajor

    today at 9:52 PM

    You're confusing "asking people for something" with "talking to people."

    Nobody wants randos coming up to them and asking for something.

    Most people would be less lonely if everyone had more practice at making non-transactional conversation.

    Actively avoiding conversation still qualifies as "weirdo" behavior to most people.

  • nzeid

    today at 10:07 PM

    On public transit or a street, maybe. But only maybe.

    Are you willfully ignoring people at bars, night clubs, supermarkets, etc?

    It's obvious 99% of the time whether or not the conversation is in the wrong place and wrong time.

  • hluska

    today at 9:49 PM

    Or they have social skills?

    • sieep

      today at 10:05 PM

      I understand what both of you are saying, I lived in areas where if someone is talking to you on the street theres a high chance theyre asking you for something, so you learn to just kinda block all of it out. Now that I moved to a smaller town, I find myself talking to strangers much more frequently.

    • watwut

      today at 10:01 PM

      If they cone accross as mwntally ill, they dont have social skill. Per definition.

      Scamming crools frequently do have good social skills, but of course there is that risk of being scammed if you talk to them.

• hluska

  today at 9:48 PM

  In my experience, only weirdos never speak to strangers. Social skills are easy, conversations are easy and strangers are just people you don’t know yet.

  I still can’t understand the point of this. Do you get a charge telling social anxious people they’ll be weird if they do their homework? That’s precisely what you did. Why?

It is a hard skill, but I do recommend it. I have always struggled with initiating a conversation with a stranger, but 99 times out of 100 it has turned out well. My teenage daughter just stands there agape when I do it, she is still struggling even to speak up to the cashier taking her fast food order. I keep telling her that it makes me pretty nervous too, but it is so worth taking the little leap.

My kids make fun of me because I know the shopkeepers around me by first name, along with the details of their businesses , and that shopping takes forever because I talk to everyone, customers included.

I just love it, it’s easy and I get a lot in return - from perks to incredible encounters. At work it’s been very helpful.

I developed that skill while traveling alone for a year , and it boils down to practicing and reading whether the person you’re talking to is ok with your talking or not.

In any case, it makes me immensely happy.

• saaaaaam

  today at 10:29 PM

  This is absolutely my experience.

  And now because I know them I go there because I can buy my stuff but also spend five minutes chatting and that makes going grocery shopping a real joy. And because I go there and chat they do nice things like give me a couple of tomatoes or “you’ve got to try this cake” or the wine shop where I automatically get a 15% discount, or the butcher where they let me in when are already closed but they know I’ve come over specially.

  And some of those people have become real friends, like go and have dinner together friends. We have very different lives but we get on because we get on. I think everyone benefits from reaching out of their bubble a bit.

  If I’m feeling a bit glum I’ll go out to buy bread or something because I know just seeing the people I see regularly will lift me up.

I read in a couple of comments that you are worried about "bothering people". To be honest, don't worry about it, you can attribute sufficient life skills to others to simply tell you (verbally or non-verbally) in case they feel bothered.

I usually dislike when people talk to me in public. Some people have nothing to say but they trap you in a conversation anyways. Some people are genuinely interesting and energizing to talk to. Either way, every conversation i've had in public has stuck with me and I can remember these conversations 6+ years later.

We are living in a dictatorship of extroverts, who go out of their way (what a suprprise) to tell us that their ways are obviously better.

• atultw

  today at 9:46 PM

  It's really tiresome. I am happy to have to a conversation if approached, but don't tell me I "should" do the same to others

  • skirmish

    today at 10:26 PM

    I had a recent encounter with a guy in a coffee shop who approached me and wanted to discuss recent sportsball games in great detail. I had no idea what he was talking about, I don't even know the local teams, after living here 30 years. He had no other topics.

    • gib444

      today at 10:42 PM

      I had a friend like that. Soccer soccer soccer. His soccer knowledge was impeccable. But he allowed almost no space in his life for anything else. A kind of addiction. He had no other interests, didn't read about anything else.

      There's only so mach a person can take being on the other side of someone like that. We drifted apart...

I agree with this article completely.

I've had three long and very memorable conversations on internaltional plane flights in the past, with three extremely interesting and intelligent people. I don't tend to take those flights anymore, they were for work and the novelty of international travel for work wore off. Now I get out of it whenever I can.

But those three conversations have stayed with me.

I was at a conference recently and I went to a meetup session that the organizers put through and I was so anxious that I took a lapel pin and left immediately :( I knew about my social anxiety but never saw it first hand as such. I am so bad in networking with people.

https://archive.ph/VrnI7

It's indeed pretty interesting how our society has normalized being. what I would say is antisocial by the norms of previous generations in the form of the gen z stare. Funnilly I remember a situation where I got a job offer from somebody from an older generation and I just stood still and stared for 1 minute. Not because I wanted to be disrespectful but because I was processing the information and I was simply so baffled that I forgot the social dance of showing the thinking on my face and doing thinking sounds (if you know you know). This led to the other person holding a lecture on how you should respond that you do not have a response yet but I thinking. I ended up accepting.

I feel that there is a down-spiral to this. People who talk to me usually want something from me so I started avoiding people since I have the expectation that they want something form me which means that I also think I look like a weirdo whenever I try to talk to somebody so I stop talking to people.

I've done some Uber driving. Chatting in a car is great because there's no awkwardness of whether to look at one another. I've met some really interesting people, from all backgrounds. I can recommend it if you have time to spare and want to chat with people.

Not everyone wants to talk but you can pick up on that pretty quickly.

I agree that expanding communication with strangers is important. But starting with "Do you mind if I sit here? Or did you want to be alone with your thoughts?" and then continuing a conversation for 10+ minutes is a real struggle for me. Sometimes I even wonder—how exactly does this kind of individual conversation actually help me? Maybe this is just me.

• majormajor

  today at 9:57 PM

  Yeah it'll be hard. But with a lot of practice it'll get easier. I think part of the practice is recognizing "they don't want me to continue this conversation" and bailing, vs trying to force every interaction to be a deeper conversation.

  I never practiced "idle conversation with a complete stranger" like that because I was lazy. But I did practice making normal, non-sexual, conversation with women on dating sites and dates so that I could go from "isolated in school, then after going online, low response rate and never more than 1 or 2 dates" to someone in a long-term relationship. And recognizing that sort of "ok there's just not any interest here, move along" signal was definitely relevant there too.

  Skills take investment.

  My parents didn't give me nearly as many opportunities to practice these skills as they had when they grew up, and pop culture actively encouraged me not to talk to strangers as a kid, so I had to work harder at them as an adult. But it was worth it.

  • tl2do

    today at 10:15 PM

    Is it a matter of skill, or a matter of courage?

• reddalo

  today at 10:00 PM

  >how exactly does this kind of individual conversation actually help me?

  It doesn't. It just helps the speaker.

  • tl2do

    today at 10:13 PM

    That makes me think—why do I enjoy conversations with friends then? What's really the difference between a friend and a stranger? Friends annoy me too, maybe even more often than strangers do.

I find the decay of human connections an interesting problem to solve. I used to have an app that encouraged meeting in person by utilizing friends inviting other friends[0]. This solved many app-problems like correct matching and safety.

Didn't catch on, though. Setting up events turned out to be too prohibitive. If this interests anyone feel free to contact me at contact [at] eventful [dot] is

[0] https://blog.eventful.is/p/the-perfect-dating-app

I find the community on Clubhouse understand this better than anyone (well, this is true for Reddit and HN too). Clubhouse especially though because people are bat shit crazy on there and somehow conversations happen. It’s a hidden gem that I think the HN community would enjoy.

• aghuang

  today at 9:01 PM

  I haven't heard of Clubhouse being mentioned in a long time. Last time I checked, it didn't gain traction after 2021 and never heard of the app being mentioned since then.

  Are there people still using the app? If so how are they making money?

• chatmasta

  today at 8:45 PM

  Clubhouse is still around?!

  • dewey

    today at 8:48 PM

    That the copyright notice on their site still says "2025" probably says a lot. I was kinda expecting to find an AI pivot when I opened that landing page.

    • general_reveal

      today at 8:50 PM

      For what it’s worth, they are living a AI pivot. TOS just changed so they keep transcripts of all voice and actually pop it into an LLM to subjectively determine your karma points. They are absolutely selling audio data for fine tuning purposes imho, and they are absolutely training on all audio. It’s a AI shovel selling company for sure.

  • general_reveal

    today at 8:51 PM

    Yes, it’s niche like Slashdot it seems. Good fun, might be worth making an HN room.

  • today at 8:48 PM

  • mannycalavera42

    today at 10:13 PM

    you cannot sign up without sharing your contact list (lol)

    • general_reveal

      today at 10:41 PM

      It’s a dark pattern. You have to check the box and then click “Don’t allow”. You do not need to share contact or real name or anything.

      It’s a good app, I’m not saying the people that run it are good lol.

I'm happy to see that in a sea of commenters who'd hate for anyone to strike a conversation with them, there are people who still enjoy connecting with others.

We are in a public forum afterall and we are all strangers here. I'm always happy when random person sends me an email.

That’s what I loved about NYC, people were generally open-minded and easy to talk to, so I’d chat with tons of people spontaneously. Having moved back to France now, it generally feels harder and weirder, but I got used to it.

Does it work in Scandinavian countries?

Did anyone notice how the last paragraph links to a paid course on talking to strangers… paid advertising??

Interesting. Not the content itself, but the intention behind it: Improvement of social cohesion.

Hmmmm.

People are compartmentalized into groups hating on each other. They're afraid of committing wrong-think and getting labelled, branded, attacked. They prioritize people who aren't there (online people, like you and myself) over those who are.

It's especially interesting from my perspective, because in Vienna we still have some sort of KaffeeHaus-Kultur. CoffeeHouse culture. You can sit there for hours, reading your book, with a coffee and it does not matter, unless the space is really needed.

It's very common to just chat with whoever runs the place at that moment, too. A sense of familiarity is part of the job. For regulars, like myself, the coffee house turns into a second living room:

We people there started talking to each other.

When I was a teenager, many years ago, I had a coffeehouse for table-soccer. It wasn't a club, or association. It was a coffeehouse with table soccer, with gatherings of players.

...

I guess my tangent meant to point at the need for both general, or specialized, "social hubs", where regularly appearing people silently agree to, eventually, getting talked to.

Not like a club. Clubs are too much commitment, causing resistance.

• mannycalavera42

  today at 10:11 PM

  a table-soccer coffeehouse, now I know what I want to do in life :)

• XorNot

  today at 9:40 PM

  You can't simplify it to "people want to hate each other".

  The topical issues of today causing strife are not reconcilable when the division is "these are the people we're going to hate".

or how to get labeled as a creep by every women

joke or not (actually not) but read some women spaces and it's obviously a lot of people, especially women, just want to be let alone. Don't start talking with random people unless they start talking to you and it's consensual, simple as that.

• latexr

  today at 10:45 PM

  > or how to get labeled as a creep by every women

  If you’re a man and go into it with the mindset of only talking to women, especially attractive ones, then of course that would get you labeled as a creep because it is creep behaviour. That’s not striking up a conversation with strangers, it’s hitting on women. You have to approach anyone equally. Address the attractive woman the same way you approach the old man on the bus stop.

• tbossanova

  today at 10:26 PM

  Yeah but if everyone follows that then nobody ever talks to anyone “random” ever. The key is to just not be creepy. Some little low stakes thing that can just end easily if they don’t want to chat. “Such a long wait for this bus. Should have brought a book.” If you get a brief response, fine, end of conversation. Otherwise, then you can chat.

• jaapz

  today at 10:20 PM

  > Don't start talking with random people unless they start talking to you

  Nobody would talk with anybody if both sides thought like that

• medi8r

  today at 9:55 PM

  Common sense applies. If someone is on a run, dont bother them. If you are in a queue I think make a comment is OK if theh respond keep talking.

• hresvelgr

  today at 10:02 PM

  It's only creepy if you are a creep.

I am currently struggling with a deep rumination loop about events from 35 years ago; the trigger three weeks ago was completely accidental, but it was one of the biggest shocks I’ve had in decades. I can't help but think how different life would be if I had the communication skills then that I have now.

Growing up in a conservative, religious household outside the US, there was no support for slow processors, and those who didn't fit the dogma were simply told to 'shut up.' The more you were forced to shut up, the more you closed off. Since this was before the internet, self-help tools were non-existent. I really wish the coaching tools and protocols we have today had been available back then. It wouldn't have changed everything, but it would have given me the tools to manage many situations that I simply couldn't handle at the time.

And yes, I agree with the headline... talk to people, anyone, everyone. Maybe you’ll get help, or maybe you just go for it—because regardless of any embarrassment you face now, you may find yourself proud of that courage decades later.

PS: Improved with AI

Why does the majority of people just assume people want to communicate... I have not read the article and never am going to. This headline premise alone of doing that will destroy any sanity I have. I do not, ever, want to talk you as a standard and you should never force that to me.

• rambambram

  today at 10:48 PM

  You basically just 'forced' me to read your comment. Aren't you talking to a stranger here?

• latexr

  today at 10:51 PM

  > Why does the majority of people just assume people want to communicate

  The question is rather why would you assume that is the case? If it were, the majority of people wouldn’t have an issue striking up a conversation with strangers, but they clearly do.

  > I have not read the article and never am going to.

  Then perhaps refrain from criticising it?

  > I do not, ever, want to talk you as a standard and you should never force that to me.

  The article isn’t suggesting anyone force anything. Quite the contrary, it advocates for respecting boundaries and even suggests how to communicate your own.

Man, talking to strangers in random places just feels socially uncalibrated to me, like I'm being retarded. The first time I across that idea was in the form of "cold approach", the idea of trying to score a date from a woman you see while out and about.

I wonder if anyone who did this had to start from a baseline of feeling this is straight up weird (I'm pretty sure it is weird in my culture).

• Agingcoder

  today at 9:44 PM

  This is very different

  Most random encounters have a pretext, from smoking a cigarette to talking to the shopkeeper, or being in a queue for a long time.

  Talking to a woman ( esp given that many of them are harassed from what I understand from my female friends ) without any reason to is much harder

  • paulpauper

    today at 10:14 PM

    Cold approaches worked better before social media and smartphones . now your awkward encounters can live forever online and cause humiliation for years to come , or some stranger looking for clout may step in. This is has become so common now , because everyone wants to be a hero.

I've had some great conversations with random strangers on public transport and in shops etc. Oddly I'm a complete introvert with quite bad social anxiety and avoid social events like work parties etc. But I like talking to strangers I'll never see again. I think it's partly because I'm not trying to make an impression and I'm not there just to socialise. So it's a bit crap for me that people are withdrawing and not engaging in random chit chat as much. It's so easy to be lonely these days.

In a world full of shallow people and AI here and there, people cannot hold deep talks anymore. You can still talk with anyone but going out specifically to talk with anyone??? Yeah, that ain't happening.

It gives me anxiety lmao you will have better time with hobbies.

I hate these sort of things. Like everyone is just sitting there hoping, hoping for someone to strike up a conversation with them. Oh thank god someone has started a conversation with me! /sarcasm

Respect people's boundaries please. Don't force yourself on people unless they're obviously willing participants.

People put extroversion/introversion as like this binary, permanent thing that cannot be changed. In reality I think it is a spectrum that changes throughout the day and the situation. Someone might be introverted at 8am on their commute, but a wild extrovert at 9pm in the bar. Don't assume, don't try to "help" people you know nothing about.

• granfalloon

  today at 10:02 PM

  What's being "forced"? And what boundaries aren't being respected? If someone attempts to strike up a conversation and you're not interested, you can signal that. Or just be direct and say you don't feel like talking. Sure, that can be uncomfortable, but you can't expect humanity as a whole to repress its social nature just to spare you occasional, fleeting moments of mild discomfort. (And despite the wide spectrum of social inclinations -- I'm definitely on the introverted end -- I think it's accurate to say that humans, as a species, crave social interaction.)

  In your ideal world, how would someone even signal they are a "willing participant" without talking to someone?

  • mattlondon

    today at 10:10 PM

    Because it is this "talk to anyone" thing, like if they say no you just need to keep trying because really deep down they just don't know how nice you're being by giving them a chance to talk to you.

    It's supreme arrogance. Read the body language and just leave people alone.

    If someone is up for talking they'll show the obvious signs - facing you, eye contact, smiling, that sort of waiting-for-something look/expression. I've had e-fucking-nough of people thinking they can "fix" me when I am trying to get some time to myself waiting for a train or whatever after a stressful day at work or being woken up endlessly by kids/neighbours/whatever.

    Otherwise it should be "talk to anyone who is obviously open to and willing to have a conversation with you", at which point it's a total tautology anyway and you don't need a guide, it's just natural chat that you don't need to force on someone to make it happen.

    • purerandomness

      today at 10:33 PM

      > keep trying because really deep down they just don't know how nice you're being by giving them a chance to talk to you.

      I don't fathom what kind of trauma would lead you to take this positive, light-hearted advice to connect to fellow human beings, and to spin this into such a vile, evil, anti-social narrative.

      How does that help?

I fail at the first hurdle. A small innocuous comment is often met with a "huh?" as if I had said it in Japanese or mentioned how nice the wallpaper tastes. It's like they clock the (relatively mild) autism immediately. Then I just feel super self conscious and lock up

[dead]

Talking to strangers without a good reason, is inpolite and border line illegal in many countries (for example recent street harassment ban in UK).

Author should know better. They seem to be well educated, and write about consent of filming.

Not everyone is interested in small "therapeutic" chitchat. I am not unpaid therapist, and I have no interest in other people problems or opinions.

• hermitcrab

  today at 9:45 PM

  I live in the UK and have no idea what 'recent street harassment ban in UK' refers to.

  Talking to strangers is not 'impolite'[1], let alone 'border line illegal', in the UK.

  [1]Depends on context of course. No chit-chat in public toilets, thanks.

  • hunterpayne

    today at 9:58 PM

    1) Compared to the US, Brits live very socially isolated lives. You are just used to it.

    2) There was a (small) government taskforce in the UK to prevent/arrest men for approaching women on the street. It backfired badly as you might expect. It was politically unpopular, yet it got enough coverage to change people's behavior but not in the way the politicians expected. Specially, amounts of SA didn't change but the number of dates did.

    3) Someone is upset at this change in behavior and is trying to revert it.

    4) This is someone from the leopards eating faces party complaining about having their face eaten by a leopard.

    • hermitcrab

      today at 10:09 PM

      >1) Compared to the US, Brits live very socially isolated lives. You are just used to it.

      Based on what evidence?

      >There was a (small) government taskforce in the UK to prevent/arrest men for approaching women on the street.

      Never heard of it. Do you have a reference?

  • throw7384488

    today at 10:21 PM

    > No chit-chat in public toilets, thanks.

    So yes, then?

    Border line means there are many variables, individial feelings and so on. In UK this interaction may be criminal with recent updates. Law is very vague and wide open to interpretation.

    Consider this:

    * it is illegal to block someones path, law is very specific about that

    * is sniffing or even licking someones cooch normal? I can ensure you, many people have VERY strong feelings about that! For some others it is normal behavior!

    * is commenting on apperance, clothing etc.. acceptable? Law is very vague

    • hermitcrab

      today at 10:24 PM

      >In UK this interaction may be criminal with recent updates.

      What updates? Be specific. Or are you just trolling?

      • throw7384488

        today at 10:26 PM

        I think it was introducent around 2022.

        https://parliamentnews.co.uk/is-street-harassment-a-crime-in...

        • hermitcrab

          today at 10:34 PM

          "The Protection from Sex-Based Harassment in Public Act 2023 (which came into effect in 2024) makes it a criminal offence to intentionally harass someone in public because of their sex."

          That is a totally different thing from just having a conversation. You are clearly posting in bad faith and I won't be bothering to respond further.

  • watwut

    today at 10:08 PM

    OP is using the usual conservative tactic of conflating "person convicted of catcalling, stalking or other intentionally sexual behaviour" with "person talking to a woman".

• Slow_Hand

  today at 9:25 PM

  I guess I’ll risk it anyway.

• today at 9:32 PM